pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
