Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
