Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
