Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
