South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
