I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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