I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
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