did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I wear drunk well.
Randomize
