This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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