I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
