You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
