I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Randomize
