the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Randomize
