What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
