The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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