A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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