How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
