I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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