Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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