I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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