How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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