she woke up with a sticky ear
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
