Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
