i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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