What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
