Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
