Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
How do I respond to this?! It's not easy to say "you're hot & the sex was good, but outside the bedroom you scare me"
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
