thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
