I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I love you. Go after that dick
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
