I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
