It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
