I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
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