I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
