I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I am mentally ready for anal.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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