i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
