In the future we'll all be gay
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
