Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
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