the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I'm too high and old for this...
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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