my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
