He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
She's just so happy...and so naked.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
