Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
