Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
It's blow job season.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Randomize
