she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
She made me pour olive oil on her.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
