Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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