Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
Randomize
