im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
What's the place called?
I searched "county" on google, but....there's a lot of results
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
