when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
