I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
Randomize
