Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
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