Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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