I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
